37. CHARLES DICKENS: DAVID COPPERFIELD: CHAPTER 37 A LITTLE COLD WATER

My new life had passed more than a week.  I was stronger than ever in my resolutions, that I took to meet the crisis.  I continued to walk extremely fast, and had a general idea that I was getting on.  I made it a rule to as much out of myself as I possibly could, in my way of doing everything.  I even entertained an idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet, vaguely conceiving that in becoming a gramnivorous animal, I should sacrifice to Dora.

Little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness, otherwise than my letters darkly shadowed it forth.  But another Saturday came, and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss Mills's, and when Mr Mills had gone to his whist-club (telegraphed to me in the street, by a bird-cage in the drawing room middle window), I was to go there to tea.

By this time, we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street, where Mr Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute felicity.  My aunt had obtained a signal victory over Mrs Crupp, by paying her off, throwing the first pitcher she planted on the stairs out of the window, and protecting in person, up and down the staircase, a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world.  The vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs Crupp, that she subdued into her own kitchen, under the impression that my aunt was mad.  My aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs Crupp's opinion and everybody else's, and rather favouring than discouraging the idea, Mrs Crupp of late, became faint-hearted, that rather than encounter my aunt on staircase, would endeavour to hide herself behind doors - leaving visible however a wide margin of flannel petticoat - or would shrink into dark corners.  This gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction, that she took a delight in prowling up and down, with her bonnet insanely perched on the top of her head, at times Mrs Crupp was likely to be in the way.

My aunt, being uncommonly neat and ingenious, made so many little improvements in our domestic arrangements, that I seemed to be richer instead of poorer.  Among the rest she converted the pantry into a dressing room for me; and purchased and embellished a bedstead for my occupation, which looked like a book-case in the daytime.  I was the subject of her constant solicitude; and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better, or studied more how to make me happy.

Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to participate in these labours; and although she still retained something of her old sentiment awe in reference to my aunt, had received so many marks of encouragement and confidence, that they were the best friends possible.  But the time had now come, when it was necessary for her to return home, and enter on the discharge of her duties she had undertaken in behalf of Ham.  'So good bye Barkis,' said my aunt, 'and take care of yourself!  I am sure I never thought I could be sorry to lose you!'

I took Peggotty to the coach office, and saw her off.  She cried at parting, and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done.  We heard nothing of Mr Peggotty since he went away, that sunny afternoon.

'And now, my own dear Davy,' said Peggotty, 'If, while you are apprentice, you should want any money to spend, or if, or when you're out of your time, my dear, you should want any to set you up (and you must do one or other, or both, my darling) who has such a good right to ask leave to lend it to you as my sweet girl's own old stupid me!'

I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply, but that if ever I borrowed money of anyone, I would borrow it of her.  Next to accepting a large sum on the spot, I believe this gave Peggotty more comfort than anything I could have done.

'And my dear,' whispered Peggotty, tell me pretty little angel that I should so have liked to see her, only for a minute!  And tell her that before she marries my boy, I will come and make your house so beautiful for you, if you will let me!'

I declared that nobody else should touch it; and this gave Peggotty such delight that she went away in good spirits.  Mr Mills, who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner, had not yet gone out, and there was no bird cage in the middle window.

He kept me waiting so long, that I fervently hoped the club would fine him for being late.

I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all day, by a variety of devices and at the appointed time in the evening went to Mr Mills's street. 

At last he came out; and then I saw my own Dora hang up the bird cage, and peep into the balcony to look for me, and run in again when she saw I was there, while Jip remained behind, to bark injuriously at an immense butcher's dog in the street, who could have taken him like a pill.

Dora came to the drawing room to meet me, and Jip came scrambling out, tumbling over his own growls, under the impression that I was a bandit, an we all three went in, as happy and loving as could be.  I soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joy - not that I meant to do it, but I was full so full of the subject - by asking Dora, without the smallest preparation, if she could love a beggar?

My pretty little Dora startled.  Her only association with the word beggar was a yellow face and night-cap, or a pair of crutches, or a wooden leg, or a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth, or something of that kind; and she stared at me with most delightful wonder.

'How can you ask me anything so foolish? pouted Dora.  'Love a beggar!' 

'Dora, my own dearest!' said I.  'I am a beggar.'

'How can you be such a silly thing,' replied Dora slapping my hand, 'as to sit there telling such stories?  I will make Jip bite you!'

Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me, but it was necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated.

'Dora, my own life, I am your ruined David!'

'I declare I will make Jip bite you!' said Dora shaking her curls, 'if you are so ridiculous.'

But I looked so serious, that Dora let off shaking her curls, and laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked scared and anxious, then began to cry.  That was dreadful.  I fell upon my knees before the sofa, caressing her, and imploring her not to rend my heart, but, for sometime poor little Dora did nothing, but exclaimed Oh dear! Oh dear!  And ho, she was so frightened!  And where was Julia Mills!  And take her to Julia Mills, and go away please! until I was almost beside myself.

At last, after agony of supplication and protests, I got Dora to look at me, with a horrified expression, which I gradually soothed until it was only loving, and her soft, pretty cheek was lying against mine.  My arms clasped around her, I told, how I loved her so dearly, how I felt I should release her from the engagement, because, now I was very poor, that I could not marry her in my present station, that I changed my plan as to my future, about my new assignment, that a crust well earned was sweeter than feast inherited; all these I delivered in a burst of personal eloquence, quite surprising to myself, though I had been thinking about it day and night, ever since my aunt had astonished me.

'Is your heart still mine, Dora?' said I rapturously, for I knew by her clinging to me that it was.

'Oh yes!' cried Dora, 'oh, yes it's all yours.  Oh, don't be dreadful!'

I dreadful!  To Dora!

'Don't talk about being poor, and working hard!' said Dora, nestling close to me.  'Oh, don't, don't!'

'My dearest love,' said I, the crust well earned-'

'Oh, yes; but I don't want anymore crusts!' said Dora.  'And Jip must have a mutton chop every day at twelve or he'll die.' 

I was charmed with her childish, winning way.  I fondly explained to Dora that Jip should have his mutton chop with his accustomed regularity.  I drew a picture of our frugal home, made independent by my labour - sketching in the little house I had seen at Highgate, and my aunt in her room upstairs.

'I am not dreadful now, Dora?' said I tenderly.

'Oh, no,no!' cried Dora.  'But I hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal.  And I hope she is not a scolding old thing!'

If it were, was it possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am sure I did.  

But I felt Dora was little impractical.  It damped my new born ardour, to find that ardour so difficult to communicate to her.  I made another trial.  When she was quite herself again, and was curling Jip's ears as he lay upon her lap, I became grave and said:

'My own!  May I mention something?'

'Oh, please don't be practical!' said Dora coaxing, 'because it frightens me so!'

'Sweetheart!' I returned, 'there is nothing to alarm you in all this, I want you to think of quite differently, I want to nerve you and inspire you, Dora!'

'Oh, but that's so shocking!' cried Dora.

'My love, no.  Perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse things.'

'But I haven't got any strength at all,' said Dora, shaking her curls. 'Have I Jip, and be agreeable!'

It was impossible to resist kissing jip, when she held him up to me for that purpose, putting her own bright, rosy little mouth into kissing form, as she directed the operation, which she insisted should be performed symmetrically, on the centre of his nose.  I did as she bade me - rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience - and she charmed me out of my graver character for I don't know how long.

'But, Dora, my beloved!' said I, at last resuming it; I was going to mention something.'

The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with her, to see her little hands and hold them up begging and praying me not to be dreadful anymore.

'Indeed I am not going to be my darling!' I assured her.  'But, Dora, my love, if you will sometime think - not respondingly - you know; far from that - but you will sometimes think - just to encourage yourself - that you are engaged to a poor man -'

'Don't, don't!  Pray don't!' cried Dora.  'It's so very dreadful!'

'My soul, not at all!' said I, cheerfully.  If you will sometimes think of that, and look about now and then at your Papa's house-keeping, and endeavour to acquire a little habit - of accounts, for instance -'

Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and half a scream.

'- it would be so useful to us afterwards, I went on.  'And if you would promise me to read a little - a little Cookery Book that I would send you, it would be so excellent for both of us.  For our path in life, my Dora,' said I warming with the subject, 'is stony and rugged now, and it rests with us to smooth it.  We must fight our way onward.  We must be brave.  There are obstacles to be met, and we must meet and crush them!'

I was going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand and enthusiastic countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed.  I had said enough.  I had done it again.  Oh, she was so frightened!  Oh, there was Julia Mills!  Oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away please!  So that, in short, I was quite distracted, and raved about the drawing room.

I thought I had killed her, this time.  I sprinkled water on her face.  I went down on my knees.  I plucked at my hair.  I denounced myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast.  I implored her forgiveness.  I besought her to look up.  I ravaged Miss Mills's work-box for a smelling bottle, and in my agony applied an old ivory needle-case instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora.  I shook my fists at Jip, who was as frantic as myself.  I did every wild extravagance that could be done and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room.

'Who has done this?' exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend.

I replied, 'I Miss Mills!  I have done it!  Behold the destroyer!' - or words to that effect - and hid my face from the light, in the sofa cushion.

At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were verging on the Desert of Sahara, but she soon found out how matters stood, for my dear affectionate little Dora, embracing her, began exclaiming that I was a 'poor labourer' and then cried for me, and embraced me, and asked me would I let her give me all my money to keep, and then fell on Miss Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender heart were broken.

Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us.  She ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about, and comforted Dora, and gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer - from my manner of stating the case Dora concluded that I was a navigator, and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day with a wheelbarrow - and so brought us together in peace.  When we were quite composed, and Dora had gone upstairs to put some rose water to her eyes, Miss Mills rang for tea.  In the ensuing interval, I told Miss Mills that she was even more my friend, and that my heart must cease to vibrate before I could forget her sympathy.

I had expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very unsuccessfully, to expound to Dora.  Miss Mills replied, on general principles, that the cottage of content was better than the palace of cold splendour, and that where love was, all was.

I said to Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should know it better than I, who loved Dora with a love never mortal had experienced yet?  But on Miss Mills observing, with despondency, that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the masculine gendre.

Then I put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that there was or was not any  practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious to make, concerning the accounts, the house keeping and the Cookery Book?

Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied:

'Mr Copperfield, I will be plain with you.  Mental suffering and trial supply in some natures, the place of years, and I will be as plain with you as if I were a Lady Abbess.  No.  The suggestion is not appropriate to Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite child of nature.  He is a thing of light and airiness, and joy.  I am free to confess that if it could be done, it might be well but-' and Miss Mills shook her hand.

I am encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to ask her, whether for Dora's sake, if she had any opportunity of luring her attention to such preparations for an earnest life, she would avail herself of it?  Miss Mills replied in the affirmative so readily, that I further asked her if she would take charge of the Cookery Book; and if she  could encourage Dora to  accept it, without frightening her.   Miss Mills accepted this trust, too; but was not sanguine.

Dora returned, looking such a lovely creature, that I really doubted whether she should be troubled with that Cookery Book.  She loved me so much, and was so captivating, that I felt like a monster, who had got into a fairy bower, when I thought of having frightened her, and made her cry.

After tea, we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old  French songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing, La ra la, La ra la, until I felt a much greater Moster than before.

We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little while before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being obliged to exert myself now, I got up at five o'clock.  Whether Dora had any idea that I was a private watchman, I am unable to say; but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played nor sang anymore.

It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said to me, in her pretty coaxing way - as I were a doll, I used to think:

'Now, don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy, it's so nonsense!'

'My love,' I said, 'I have work to do.'

'But don't do it!' returned Dora.  'Why should you?'

It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face, otherwise than lightly and playfully, that we must work to live.

'Oh!  How ridiculous!' cried Dora.

'How shall we live without, Dora?' said I.

'How? Anyhow!' said Dora.

She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me such a triumphant little kiss, direct from the innocent heart, that I would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a fortune. 

Well!  I loved her; and I went on loving her, most absorbingly, entirely and completely.  But going on, too, working hard and busily keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire, I would sit sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking I had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best make my way with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty, until I used to fancy that my head was quite turning grey.

THE END OF CHAPTER 37